a drink to the new year

the guests tumbled in one after the other, their shoes laying haphazardly by the door. every so often the door would ring again and another uncle would come rushing in yelling xian nian kaui le! the snow on the coats would tumble off as they shaked themselves like dogs with fles. but this was the tradition of every new years

the family gathering around to eat hot pot.while each adult passed out hong bao to the children.

then the after party would begin:
the parents and elders getting drunk with sakee
while the kids went outside to set firecrackers.like fourth of july huh? but better

all in all: it feels like a new year has set upon us.like things are beginning to clear up and move forward for the better.
even with all that i have gone through in the past, it makes me stronger but sometimes i just need to break down

my heart is still heart broken.i miss him and he doesnt even know it.i love those days where i would climb into his arms and fall asleep or how it just felt right to hold his hand cause i knew hed protect me.whenever i missed his kisses hed pull me back and kiss me again and wed both laugh.

to have him piggy back ride me or carry me when i lost my shoes.to sit and talk about anything.to wear a dress and know that i cught his eye.to text each other at night.to grow together without knowing it.to start crying and hed wipe away my tears and kiss my on the forehead telling me that everything will be ok.that understanding where i understood how he felt without telling me.

i love those moments and i wish somehow i could rewind time and go back to it.but thats almost impossible.to wake up every morning and know that he lingers in my dreams but i have to move on with my day.staying positive and keeping up with the workload.to show my friends that im ok.that i dont care

but in my heart i still do care.its there and it nags me.

i wish that everything could be a movie and have a happily endding. but sometimes theres a point and you/i/he/she/someone has to move on.

my heart says no my head nods yes.

entertain the pain

oh my. school has been a bundle of joy/stress/fun/entertainment/pocket of sunshine?

this past week has been a bit hectik with the school part: science fair.the taming of the shrew.government essays.deadlines.espically deadlines.

but in all of this, i still find time to keep up with running track.yes, it may seem like the worst sport to do.running five miles everyday but there are times i enjoy it.ripping open my musles and that exhilrating runners high.sounds like a drug huh.

but after practice on thursday.waiting for someone to pick you up with two other friends can lead to some crazy things.so while in the parking lot,i had a feeling to post it note a seniors friend car.and thats exactly what the three of us did. with a bunch of post its-we covered his car.and on his front windshield spelling out the word "owned" and each post it had phrases such as
"i love italians" "jersey shore" "lets do the first pump" "the situation"
with that, we left.
the next day on friday, i anticpated seeing my favorite high way at jammin java all day.heading to helenes house after school and flipping through seventeen magazines on her bed.in complete boredness.we walked to the mall to eat dinner and pick out an outfit to wear.which really didnt go well at all.but it was fun while it lasted
so hayleys mom drove us into town with each of us caring no cash at all.well me at least.with only a dollar and hayley twentyy five, and helene sevenn, we headed in to the cafe to buy three tickets for 45dollars.but couldnt get in.we stood outside counting our money over and over unitl the lady at the counter just let us in with all we had.we completely jammed until tenish and waited for the members to come outside and take pictures and sign our shirts.and will is so hot.haha he showed me his tatoo and i was like woww pretty fancy.but i actually didnt say that beacuse it was freezing cold.and it was actually an awkward tattoo to get.
so now here i am.in my pajamas still.thinking that last night was an incredible night

updates

its almost winter vaction and im super excited to be heading up to new york
theres nothing that can beat this trip
i miss everyone from taiwan:]
school has been such a doll.
we went on a field trip to mount vernon last week to see washingtons house
not to shabby but pretty much a fun house
once we got to washingtons room i blurted "it looks like its selling for an ikea ad"
where my teacher took me aside and told me that that was disrespectful..
but really.the carpet and bed sheets were completely moderanized
it was absoulety beautiful by the water side though
i could sit there all day with a fishing pole catching some catfish.
--> back to school. track has been cold and running in the snow is the best
accept for the part where the sidewalks are filled with slush and once your back on the track, your back is splattered with mud
i prd! by like 10seconds.super excited:D
+i got my permit yesterday.watch out roads.liz is on her way
plus i need to get back to my current events projects
but its good to catch up:)

letting go

how is it that just a couple of years ago, i found myself absorbed with easy bake ovens, barbies, and child like fanatises. am i growing up too fast? i find myself constantly working in front of this computer screen, unwriten essays needing to be finished, current event projects, and summative assignments. i am suffocating from the lack of oxygen in this room. suffocating from the less time i spend with friends and more time im focused on college or the other friends around the world. is it possible im loosing the energy i use to have? growing old and haggard where i have nine cats and live in a cardboard box. or is it that i have closed myself off. scared to trust people and tell them of my past beacuse of the feeling of pity they give me. beacuse the past hurts me so much that i block off. putting up walls doesnt solve anything but its the fear that i will crumble beneath my feet. its the fear that compassion or pain will hurt me even more. its the fear i will loose someone close to me.everyday, is just like any other day, going through the motions and walking aimlessly. disconnected from the world but really im searching for god to guide me in his light. the world is filled with sins that i fall into constantly. trying to breakfree of this guilt i carry but ashamed to admit it. ashamed that the beauty inside me has burned into a sole of black ashes. ashmed that god wont accept me a child of his anymore. but its time to walk back onto the path.even when its been overgrown with wicked trees and weeds sprouting through the rocks.where my feet will be pricked and stabbed with a trail of blood behind me, i knoe that god is with me. my fear and pains will be set aside.

summary

its a bit chilly out.murky clouds.wet orange and red leaves stained to the road

i think its time to bring out the winter coats!

although my feet are snuggled warm in these blue fuzzy socks:)

i feel like every week i go through the same motions
wake up at 5:30...take a poo...[haha yeah]...brush my teeth put the contacts in and walk right back to bed

where i sleep for another five minutes before its time to pull off the covers

and rush to school.

well this wednesday we took a field trip down to d.c like all our other field trips

and to the newsum!

yes.every kids dream is here.i mean who wouldnt want to go to an interactive learning muesum where it focuses on past and daily international media. where old documents are sealed up tight in shiny glass boxes.where there are such things as touch screens and set developments.even a news room where you can record your own commericals which i was both the weather girl and the editor of the gubernatorial elections.i find that day completely satisfying; better then the holacust mesuem i may say so myself. except for the fact that one of the headlines for a newspaper read in red bold letters CLINTON CHEATS ON HIS WIFE HAVING ORAL SEX 9 TIMES. now that was horrifying and a nuisance since iti s permanently attached to my memory.

the fun was over after an hours ride home.seriously it takes at least ten minutes to get in the city.but no.there is such thing as heavy traffic at 6 in the morning and even at 2pm. the heavy backload of cars, fuming gases, and the contsruction on roads are killers.today i find myself not at all pleased to be home early.but its good in a way.except for the fuming of my grandparents its. friday...ummm

a day to relax and set my mind off school.maybe im lucky this weekend and something good will happen:)

im done

i feel like a slushie
werid way to put it
but the past week
has been a complete
nightmare.
you know when you drink a slushie
and all the icing is at the very top when you take the first sip
that was me.
and now im like this melty sweet water
sinked at the bottom
i thought the ffriday football game was going to be
jublant
exciting
i get to see the boy i liked.
and i ended up hurt and sad
and i know i should be over it
its been
five monthes
and im not.im hurt just like the day
when everything ended
he hurts me over and over again
but i still care
i cant yell at him
i cant be mad at him
his smile makes me smile
hes not the hottest
not the most athletic
but hes the best at making me happy
and i wish that i could be that happy again
...impossible

under pressure

i dont know how to put my words together
its out of proption.well my brain.
i feel like its about to pop out of its sockets
and
im slowely loosing
speech and
by the end of this passage.i wont even comprehend what im writing.
this just might be sign that sickness is over taking my body
or im pmsing.haha it could be both.
but who the f cares that nywoe betrays his father
(essay assignment for english)
the word betrayal can be taken from so many persepectives
how do you even define it in the first place.
i cant figure it out.or im really stupid
or im still pmsing.
GOD i need a sign
like one of those movies with jim carrey
god i need your help here.
my emotions are over taking my system like a metallic song
with no real music.just lots of banging
i feel like ive just got stabbed in the back
and my skin is ripped into a large X.
it hurts
but do they care.no they dont
they walk away like nothing has happened.and i stand here alone
with no bag of chex mix this time.
life sucks
[sorry jessica if you never understand what im writingXD][it comes off the top of my head]