letting go

how is it that just a couple of years ago, i found myself absorbed with easy bake ovens, barbies, and child like fanatises. am i growing up too fast? i find myself constantly working in front of this computer screen, unwriten essays needing to be finished, current event projects, and summative assignments. i am suffocating from the lack of oxygen in this room. suffocating from the less time i spend with friends and more time im focused on college or the other friends around the world. is it possible im loosing the energy i use to have? growing old and haggard where i have nine cats and live in a cardboard box. or is it that i have closed myself off. scared to trust people and tell them of my past beacuse of the feeling of pity they give me. beacuse the past hurts me so much that i block off. putting up walls doesnt solve anything but its the fear that i will crumble beneath my feet. its the fear that compassion or pain will hurt me even more. its the fear i will loose someone close to me.everyday, is just like any other day, going through the motions and walking aimlessly. disconnected from the world but really im searching for god to guide me in his light. the world is filled with sins that i fall into constantly. trying to breakfree of this guilt i carry but ashamed to admit it. ashamed that the beauty inside me has burned into a sole of black ashes. ashmed that god wont accept me a child of his anymore. but its time to walk back onto the path.even when its been overgrown with wicked trees and weeds sprouting through the rocks.where my feet will be pricked and stabbed with a trail of blood behind me, i knoe that god is with me. my fear and pains will be set aside.